Friday's Letters

Dear blog: I know, I know. It’s been almost a year since I’ve paid attention to you. For that I’m sorry, but, I needed the time away to live and figure out what I want. I’m not 100% there yet but I think I’m ready to commit to you again, in a new way. Please be patient with me while I make the transition.

Dear Milo and Opie: you both have brought so much joy to my life, joy that I didn’t know I was missing until you came along. It seems silly to me (as a new pet owner) that little 10lb kittens could create such a dramatic change in my life but, you have and you both make my heart smile.

Dear Kristen: you’ve been such a constant, positive presence in my life and I miss you so much. I can’t wait to see you again.

Dear future niece: you have no idea how much I am looking forward to your arrival into this chaotic, but beautiful, world. I promise to love you unconditionally and cherish every moment we will share. 

Dear anyone reading this: take some time to watch this TED Talk by Brené Brown on the power of vulnerability. #mindblown

Dear Fleetly app: THANK YOU for motivating me to start weight training. A few weeks have passed since first using you and I’m already noticing positive results. 50lb deadlift? No problem! 150lb leg press? I got you!

xo, lolly

Have the Courage to Follow Your Heart

♥

Lately...

I've been going through a hard time - probably one of the most challenging emotionally.

It's been hard opening up to family/friends about it because, well, there's a lot. And a lot of it is pretty dark.

As much as I think I'm not worried about being judged, I am. All I want is to be heard. I just want people to listen to how I'm feeling, to my words without any comments or criticism.

I know not everyone will understand but I hope that I am shown respect. Anxiety, depression, problems, and trauma… they're all real and they are all real scary. I don't exaggerate or seek attention when I say that I am depressed or when I talk about my problems. Not even when I say I've had some bad/selfish thoughts about my situation lately.

I speak up because I am tired of facing the darkness alone. I speak up because I need help. I also speak up for those who can't because I know they are out there… I know because I used to be one of them.

The last few months I've been desperately searching for answers or signs and while I've read and heard some great things, it wasn't until this morning that I found the sign I was looking for in the most unexpected place - from a stranger.

Enter Amber. I stumbled on her Twitter this morning which lead me to her blog and to a shockingly perfect reference to what I am experiencing. And just like that, I don't feel so alone.

"As I lay in my bed, trying to catch my breath, my mind raced with a million thoughts. I couldn’t hear myself. I felt anger at other people for the choices I had made. I regretted not working on what I knew I was meant to be doing. I wondered why I had stopped writing. I questioned the commitment and promises I had made to both a project and person that weren’t aligned with my true desires.

“How did I get here?” I thought to myself."

Reading on I was happy to hear that she was able to find what she was looking for by cutting ties with that which wasn't serving her happiness or purpose. I'm not there yet but my hope that I will be one day has been restored.

So as of today, that's where I'm at and it's better than where I was yesterday. Thank you, Amber!