April 23, 2010

: And the winner is...

Pause and reflect. Right now what is winning in your life? Purpose or procrastination. It's not too late to do something significant.

Procrastination. That is definitely what is winning in my life right now and I am not happy about it. I don't know what it is that is holding me back so much from living the life I dream about. I've been so lazy and so sad the last month or so and it's affecting almost every aspect of my life. I see familiar patterns from years ago when I first moved out here and that's bad. I have to find a way to snap out of this.

On a positive note, I was watching some interview with Christian Siriano and I felt inspired for the first time in a while to get back on track with modeling because I would love to work with him. We'll see how long that inspiration lasts.

I think I need to go home for a bit -- if only I lived my life in a way I could simply pick up and do it. I think being surrounded by people who support me and inspire me would do me some good. Actually, I know for a fact it would. I guess it's time to look into some flights.

I think what frustrates me the most is the fact that barely anyone in my life truly understands how I feel living out here. I could talk about it again and again and again and I know what they would say -- I'm not trying hard enough, I haven't met the right people, just move home, blah blah. That doesn't help. Maybe I need to totally open up and let it all out, tears and all. Maybe then someone would realize how awful I feel and how alone I am. But what good is crying about it? I'll probably be looked at like I am a baby or like I am not strong enough. What an f'ing way to live.

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