May 2, 2010

: The Difficulties with Friendship

I just finished reading Mommywood by Tori Spelling a few minutes ago and began to cry.  Why, you ask?  The thought of having children and what my life will be like when it happens.  I know it's years down the road and it's always silly to worry about events so far in the future but I think it's important for me because of what my life is lacking right now: close friendships and family.

It's no secret that forming friendships in California has been difficult for me.  I don't know the reasons, it just has been.  I don't know if I am too quiet, too sarcastic, too boring, too pushy, not pushy enough, too 'New York,' or what, but it hasn't been easy.  I have met some great people here and have some decent friendships which I am very thankful for but, they almost all seem so... disposable.  I know I had some pretty high expectations when I first moved to Long Beach, but it all changed when we moved to the Bay Area.  And throughout the last three years, I definitely do not expect anything from anybody.

I never did expect making friends with girls my age to be easy, though.  Most of the girls have had the last twenty or so odd years to create lasting friendships (BFFs!) and here I come, only having been here a few years, wanting to be friends.  I've spent time working on friendships only to have them blow up in my face for various reasons.  I knew there would be some trial and error, never did I think this much.

All I want is a friend, or two, whom I can always call on no matter the time of day.  I want a friend who makes the effort to maintain said friendship.  I want a friend I can have over whenever to talk, watch TV, play games, take walks with, shop with, go out and dance with, go on vacations with -- the list goes on and on.  I can't remember the last time I went shopping where it was just me and a girl-friend.  I honestly do not think that has ever happened during my stay in California and that makes me really sad (If I had, and it was you who are reading this, I'm sorry but I can't remember). This was a weekly thing I did with friends back home.  We would always have a night at the movies, or a night where we'd go bowling, have sleepovers, play sports together.  It was so normal and so natural.  That's it right there, it was natural.  None of my friendships here feel natural.  Maybe it's because I still don't feel comfortable living here.  Maybe it's because I am not 100% comfortable with who I am.  Whatever the case, that's it in a nutshell.

And all of this leads to my fears for the future because I want those friends I can call on if I need them when I start a family.  Like Tori has her Mehi and her Guncles and Jenny, I want those kinds of figures in my life, too, for myself and my children.  I already have my 'Dean.'  It might sound silly to reference this way but I like to relate to situations or people present in my life, whether figuratively speaking or though a book or TV show.

Despite my feelings, my fears, and my lack of amazing friendships on the West Coast, I am hopeful for the future. And as long as it takes I will always hold out hope that I will find those friends I am looking for.  Because what is a life without hope?  In my opinion, hopeless.

With all of this said -- how are your friendships?  What do you look for in your best friend?  Do you find it easy to make friends?  Or do you struggle with it like I do?

xo, lolly.


  1. that's why when we are ready to start families we will need to be closeby, don't want to do it without you! Love you, Shan

  2. Anonymous5:25 PM

    Lolly, I will move out there and be that friend for you! ;)

    I know exactly what you mean. I have friends but they also seem... disposable. Everyone I know is either a coworker or a (ex)roommate. And then everyone else I know is through them, so of course it is awkward to call them up & hangout at times. I have yet to find that one Best friend here that I can tell anything to.

    I am struggling with the same things you are - so you are not alone!

  3. AndraPT1:29 PM

    Don't feel like you are the only one who feels this way. I do not think it has anything to do with you or your personality. I am sure most of your friends back home you grew up with or have known a long time so it makes it easier to stay in touch when life gets busy. But, when your in your 20s and busy with your own life and try to establish friendships with other girls who also are busy with work, bf's etc it really makes it hard. Not to mention good girl friends are hard to come by. Focus on your self and the rest will follow.

  4. Anonymous1:24 PM

    I think back home felt "natural" because it's home. It's where you spent the most time. Your guard was "down". Now you are in a new place, with new people & new dreams. Nothing wrong with that. Just think of the all of the opportunities to learn new things :)

    Try to stop comparing your "old" friends to your "new" friends. And try seeing them as people who are there for you & want to be with you. You might start seeing them in another light :) People can sense negativity like a foul smell. & not saying you are negative, but perhaps feeling like the "new" friends don't measure up, could be giving off subtle vibes to them. They could be on their guard about you because of that...

    Like your one picture album, Love The Life You Live. Your life, like everyone else has its ups & downs. But you have so much going on for you!! :) Things will fall into place. Keep your head up, keep smiling & keep faith in God. Your a beautiful girl, hun! Believe in yourself & the rest will fall into place.