I just finished reading Mommywood by Tori Spelling a few minutes ago and began to cry. Why, you ask? The thought of having children and what my life will be like when it happens. I know it's years down the road and it's always silly to worry about events so far in the future but I think it's important for me because of what my life is lacking right now: close friendships and family.
It's no secret that forming friendships in California has been difficult for me. I don't know the reasons, it just has been. I don't know if I am too quiet, too sarcastic, too boring, too pushy, not pushy enough, too 'New York,' or what, but it hasn't been easy. I have met some great people here and have some decent friendships which I am very thankful for but, they almost all seem so... disposable. I know I had some pretty high expectations when I first moved to Long Beach, but it all changed when we moved to the Bay Area. And throughout the last three years, I definitely do not expect anything from anybody.
I never did expect making friends with girls my age to be easy, though. Most of the girls have had the last twenty or so odd years to create lasting friendships (BFFs!) and here I come, only having been here a few years, wanting to be friends. I've spent time working on friendships only to have them blow up in my face for various reasons. I knew there would be some trial and error, never did I think this much.
All I want is a friend, or two, whom I can always call on no matter the time of day. I want a friend who makes the effort to maintain said friendship. I want a friend I can have over whenever to talk, watch TV, play games, take walks with, shop with, go out and dance with, go on vacations with -- the list goes on and on. I can't remember the last time I went shopping where it was just me and a girl-friend. I honestly do not think that has ever happened during my stay in California and that makes me really sad (If I had, and it was you who are reading this, I'm sorry but I can't remember). This was a weekly thing I did with friends back home. We would always have a night at the movies, or a night where we'd go bowling, have sleepovers, play sports together. It was so normal and so natural. That's it right there, it was natural. None of my friendships here feel natural. Maybe it's because I still don't feel comfortable living here. Maybe it's because I am not 100% comfortable with who I am. Whatever the case, that's it in a nutshell.
And all of this leads to my fears for the future because I want those friends I can call on if I need them when I start a family. Like Tori has her Mehi and her Guncles and Jenny, I want those kinds of figures in my life, too, for myself and my children. I already have my 'Dean.' It might sound silly to reference this way but I like to relate to situations or people present in my life, whether figuratively speaking or though a book or TV show.
Despite my feelings, my fears, and my lack of amazing friendships on the West Coast, I am hopeful for the future. And as long as it takes I will always hold out hope that I will find those friends I am looking for. Because what is a life without hope? In my opinion, hopeless.
With all of this said -- how are your friendships? What do you look for in your best friend? Do you find it easy to make friends? Or do you struggle with it like I do?