July 22, 2010

: If You Really Knew Me...

"See, yeah, it feels bad now but it's going to get better. See, yeah, it feels bad now but it's going to get better. See, yeah, it feels bad now but it's going to get better someday" - Wakey!Wakey!

MTV premiered one of their newest shows, "If You Really Knew Me," this week which covers what is called a Challenge Day at various high schools across the nation. It's goal is to break down barriers caused by cliques based on gangs, race, skin color, gender, etc. Also, it aspires to show that we all struggle with some similar issues and we don't have to go through them alone. I have to say, it is one of the absolute best series MTV has come up with, and let's be serious most of their shows suck these days. Whomever created it truly deserves a pat on the back.

I struggled with a lot of the same issues this first group of high schoolers admitted to and it would have been so much easier to deal with it all if I knew I could speak out and would have support. I hope that you all can find the time to watch it, at least one episode.

Now it's my turn:

If you really knew me then you would know I used to harm myself with knives, staplers, or anything sharp because of everything my father put me through when I was child/teenager.

If you really knew me then you would know that I attempted suicide by overdosing on some pills and was ready to take a knife to myself when I was 16 years old. Luckily my boyfriend at the time showed up on my doorstep before it progressed further. Oh, except for when he took me to my father to let him know and my father threw me against a wall.

If you really knew me then you would know that while I was abandoned at home most nights, not being allowed to go out with friends, my father was out destroying the lives of those I love without a care in the world.

If you really knew me then you would know that my father was arrested for the rape of a friend of mine who was one year younger than me (at that time 15 years old), and four more similar counts, almost six years ago. It haunts me every single day.

If you really knew me then you would know that I would listen to my father telling me he was going to kill himself if I didn't talk to him after he bailed himself out of jail before his sentencing.

If you really knew me then you would know that I feel bad for, guilty if you will, being sad/upset over what my father did. Like I will be judged for having emotions. Or even like it's my fault.

If you really knew me then you would know that being happy and staying positive are an every day struggle for me.

If you really knew me then you would know that I am not happy when I look in the mirror.

If you really knew me then you would know that I am better than all that happened in my past. But I don't believe it.

If any of this hits close to home, then I think you now know that you are not alone. Let me repeat myself, you are not alone! It's a damn shame that so many children, teenagers, even adults think they are going through something alone. When, if they could just find the strength to open up a little, they could see that they have an enormous support system to fall on.

It's an even bigger shame that there are cutters slicing themselves, people crying alone in their bedrooms/closets/bathroom stalls, people committing suicide… this very second. The most recent statistics I could find were from 2007. In the United States there are 94.8 suicides per day; 1 suicide every 15.2 minutes. And it breaks my heart.

So, there you have it. There are my barriers crashing to the ground right before your eyes. I sincerely hope that this can inspire some of you to do the same. And if this offends anybody or upsets anybody, I am sorry for that but I am not sorry for what I said. This is my blog and my place to express myself.

To all of you feeling alone please know that I support you and I am here to listen. Because we're in this life together.

4 comments:

  1. You are such a strong person!!! Keep your head up and smile every day...You have gone through a lot in your life and should be soooo proud of where your at today!!! You deserve the world so go get it girl!! :)

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  2. Anonymous3:20 PM

    its niki p.

    i want you to know how strong i think you are and how AMAZING i've always thought you were and are. i've known you since ooohh we were what 8, and you've always been one of my favorite people. your honesty in your blog makes you a hero to me. so much of what you wrote hits home to me and i wish one day to have as much courage as you do. stay strong, beautiful and amazing. <3

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  3. If you really knew yourself...
    youd know youre a very courageous, strong, beautiful person!

    there are stories/situations/pasts/mysteries that tell us who we are.

    but from what I know/seen Lolster, you're remarkable. Keep that head up, youre doing a great job.

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