July 6, 2010

: A little more personal: I Turn Around and Pretend I'm Doing Just Fine

I feel like I am on the verge of a serious quarter-life crisis. No joke. I do my best to remain in positive spirits but I find myself in such miserable moods more often than not. And every time it's harder to pick myself back up.

I know a lot of it has to do with not knowing which direction I want to take with my life right now. I'm turning 24 next month and I feel like I should be spending the majority of my time having fun and enjoying my younger years. I don't want to wait until I am retired and can barely move to finally start exploring the world and everything it has to offer.

On the other hand, I have so many eyes on me... waiting for me to take the next responsible step, be it with my job, or school, etc. And it's not that I don't want to get my degree or work a great, full-time job... because I most certainly do. I clearly need money to live and do the things I want to do.

I guess what I am struggling with the most is finding balance. I want so many things that its hard to choose just one, or a few, to focus on right now. Am I making the right decision? Is this the right choice for me right now? Do I have time for this? Do I have the connections I need to do this? (I keep on doing all of this over and over.)

I'm also finding it very hard to stay ahead living in California. I like it, a lot, and I don't regret moving here. But I wasn't prepared to be living paycheck to paycheck or living in a 700 sqft. one-bedroom apartment for the same amount that I could be paying on a three-bedroom home back East. I'm blessed for what I have, I know it's a lot more than many, many others in this world but I guess I just want to be able to live comfortably... and I don't feel that. I don't feel that one bit.

I am always worried about money. I am always worried about not having enough of this or that. I want a good life, well... I have a good life. I want a better life. I know in order to have one I have to work for it. But what have I been doing? Working and working and working... and I'm no where near satisfied. And I know that half of the battle with happiness is satisfaction. I don't have that right now. And I'm so tired of playing games

Helpless, I'm helpless...
What makes my lonely heart feel like this?
I know I'm not making sense.
I keep on doing all of this over and over..
I turn away and pretend I'm doing just fine.
Can't you see I'm just not good at these things?

What is also really hard for me is that some of the people I care about the most, do not understand me or my choices. And that is okay in some respects but it would also be nice to feel their support and not feel like they are trying to push me in the direction they want me to go. I know it's normal and it happens with everyone and they're only doing it because they care. I more than appreciate their concerns. But I don't really want to hear any of it – plain and simple.

I have so, so many visions for myself... of myself down the road. Getting there isn't even the hardest part, it's figuring out what I have to do in order to get there. I've been searching and searching and searching... nothing.

I think I need some time away and some time to myself. And it's pretty crucial right now so I have to find a way to make it happen, and happen fast. Wouldn't it be nice to have the opportunity to spontaneously take a trip somewhere? Yeah, it would be. But I don't have that option now... I want it, I want it SO bad.

One of these days I will figure it out. Until then... here's to the journey... *raises glass* ... "because there is no better time than this to drink these drinks in seconds."

1 comment:

  1. auntsheilam6:55 PM

    Don't worry about the eyes that are on you..waiting for your next step. Just do what you have to do for yourself. When it comes to money, and being where you think you should be at any give time..you will never get there. Unless you are independently wealthy. Just enjoy every day and don't worry so much. Take it from someone who did it all her life and it doesn't do any good anyways.!!