December 16, 2010

: I never meant to be the one to let you down

"Does anybody know how to hold my heart? How to hold my heart? 'Cause I don't want to let go too soon..."

It's been a while, I know. And here I sit with a million things running through my mind but no care to really write them down. I'm a ball of emotions and I can't put my finger on the problem. Am I inspired? Yes. Am I uninspired? Yes. Am I happy? Yes. Am I feeling depressed? Yes. Am I unsure about things in my life? Yes, always.

I guess I've lost myself... again. I hate looking at my reflection in the mornings, afternoons, and evenings. I am never happy with photos taken of me. I hate putting on clothes because it only reminds me of how much I've let myself go and how stupid I've been for letting my dreams slip further out of reach because of it.

I still have no clue which direction I want to steer my life. Do I want to go back to school? Yes and no. Do I want to model still? Yes and no. Do I want to actively blog? Yes and no.

Isn't it funny how the girl behind all of the inspiring posts and stories is so confused and miserable lately? I mean, I truly believe in what I put out there for everyone to read... otherwise I wouldn't bother. And I know I'll be able to build myself up again, but I have to find the right way for me, which may take a while this time around.

I know some things I truly miss: getting lost inside of a good song, spending a day completely by myself - no cell phone and only internet use to blog or listen to music or find inspiration, allowing myself the time to shut off from the world.

I don't really treat myself kindly. I don't really allow myself the time to heal. I'm still so hurt and so closed off due to things I've experienced.

And here I am again... a blank mind. This happens TOO much when I'm trying to write and I think it's why I haven't in so long. You feel me?

2 comments:

  1. There is always a time in life that when we close our eyes at night we have doubt. Whether your an entrepreneur like me or under the spotlight of beauty, life is about understanding. Feeling that inner energy that comes not from your head or your heart, but that resinates from what seems to be your very middle.

    So often when in an environment that is harsh and people are always telling you that you cannot do it or your not this enough or that enough, all you want is that one perfect person who will hold your hand. Someone that is not going to always have the answers right away. A person that will validate the amazing things about you, understand why you feel the way you do and pick up where you feel fall short. To be the one that says "I know you, the delicate ways you need to be loved, how to respond in a kind and loving way, the way you feel loved by how I include you in all my choices, deliberations and opportunities and knowing I put your needs before myself always. I stand strong before you, willingly to shoulder your heavy load with you, together as your teammate that loves you unconditionally. I am your biggest fan. To be the first to pick you up when your down, support you when you’re soaring and hold your hand when you’re unsure, just take my hand and I will lead you through the sorrow, we will find a way."

    Inner peace is about safety and comfort, love and feeling like you belong. You are strong my dear and you belong everywhere, keep working until you find that place you feel comfortable and never give in. :)

    You Twitter/Crowdrise pal
    @jerryrreynolds :)

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  2. I understand how you feel and its not easy. Its like there is a constant struggle between who we believe we should be and who we are. Which is right? Which is the "real" me?

    If I could make a suggestion.... try focusing on serving others, and the answers you seek will come to you.

    Depression always comes from focusing on ourselves, while serving or helping others takes our focus off ourselves. All of a sudden things don't seem so bad:) Plus contribution is one of the most primal needs for people like us (people who are success coaches, writers, trainers etc)

    Check out my blog when you get a chance (www.howtostartlifeover.com ) I am exploring some of the same issues as you are. Would love to get some feedback from you.

    Hope this helps and here is to your success! Your gonna do great.

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