"Does anybody know how to hold my heart? How to hold my heart? 'Cause I don't want to let go too soon..."
It's been a while, I know. And here I sit with a million things running through my mind but no care to really write them down. I'm a ball of emotions and I can't put my finger on the problem. Am I inspired? Yes. Am I uninspired? Yes. Am I happy? Yes. Am I feeling depressed? Yes. Am I unsure about things in my life? Yes, always.
I guess I've lost myself... again. I hate looking at my reflection in the mornings, afternoons, and evenings. I am never happy with photos taken of me. I hate putting on clothes because it only reminds me of how much I've let myself go and how stupid I've been for letting my dreams slip further out of reach because of it.
I still have no clue which direction I want to steer my life. Do I want to go back to school? Yes and no. Do I want to model still? Yes and no. Do I want to actively blog? Yes and no.
Isn't it funny how the girl behind all of the inspiring posts and stories is so confused and miserable lately? I mean, I truly believe in what I put out there for everyone to read... otherwise I wouldn't bother. And I know I'll be able to build myself up again, but I have to find the right way for me, which may take a while this time around.
I know some things I truly miss: getting lost inside of a good song, spending a day completely by myself - no cell phone and only internet use to blog or listen to music or find inspiration, allowing myself the time to shut off from the world.
I don't really treat myself kindly. I don't really allow myself the time to heal. I'm still so hurt and so closed off due to things I've experienced.
And here I am again... a blank mind. This happens TOO much when I'm trying to write and I think it's why I haven't in so long. You feel me?