September 5, 2011

We're All Mad Here

I apologize if this update isn't inspiring or positive, but I have to get something off my chest.
Sometimes I can't help but feel invisible, replaceable even. I see myself a part of situations but at the same time not... if that makes sense.

Do I try too hard? Do I expect too much? I don't think so, because I start to feel this way after being myself which leads me to believe people don't actually like the real me.

Insecure? Hell yes. I never feel that I'm fun or funny. I never feel good enough. In most situations I never feel smart enough. I do not like to shop because I don't like looking in the mirror (yeah, yeah please save those comments). I guess I always feel that I could do better, I could be better.

Amidst it all, I have so many people telling me to smile more and that I need to have more confidence in myself. I'm sure they're right. But it's hard for me to comply when all I want to do is cry at the thought of smiling or gaining confidence.

This probably sounds really fucked up, as it should because that's how I feel.

Maybe this is a part of me surfacing again since I'm beginning to face my demons in therapy. If that's the case, I hope I find a way to work it out of my system quickly.

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