September 13, 2011

You Try so Hard to Shut the Feelings Out

I miss being excited about things. Missing that spark. Must find it.

Tweeted that earlier today, and it's how I've been feeling for quite some time now. Nothing in my life excites me anymore. Excuse me… very little in my life excites me anymore.

I wake up every morning, turn off my alarm (at least I think I do sometimes), and roll back over to sleep some more. I don't want to get out of bed because I feel that I have nothing to look forward to. And that sucks.

My therapist asked me last week if I think I'm depressed. I had a difficult time answering the question because that word is extremely overused. But when I think of the way I feel and my lack of pretty much every positive emotion, I believe the answer is yes. I wouldn't say it's severe but if it isn't depression, I'm not sure I know what to call it. That said, she is going to refer me to a psychiatrist for an evaluation so I can finally be put on some medication. I was hesitant on the whole medication thing at first, but she did a good job explaining to me the difference between anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills. I would be going on the anti-depressants because they are no where near as addictive as the other option.

Anyway, I realize that part of my problem is that I don't do anything anymore. I don't work out. I don't like to go shopping. I rarely hang out with friends, whether it's because I'm not invited or because I never feel like getting ready for it. I haven't truly modeled in about a year and even with the stuff I've done in the last two years, it hasn't been fulfilling. It's rare that I sit down with a good book to read. I'm currently not in school. I hardly ever have the discipline to sit down and blog about something substantial. And in a nut shell, my social anxiety prohibits me from doing a lot of the things I want to do.

Despite all of it, the lack of motivation and the depression, I will remain positive and optimistic. I know that things will get better because I am taking the proper steps to ensure it. Though I have yet to live through my darkest days, I know enough to say that I will be fine. I just have to make more of an effort to discover the things I love again.

Now to you all. Have you ever been depressed? What do youdo/have you done to fight through it? What do you enjoy doing that makes you happier?


  1. Dear Lolly,

    I’m only a Doktor of Science, not an MD - but I did date a psychiatrist once. If you’re able to recognize the capacity for hope and optimism, then the severity of depression is probably not quite as great as you may think, or in particular feel - but that doesn’t make it any less real.

    I find the rush from creating interesting images in a shoot or painting session is difficult to equal in the day to day life, and this leaves you wondering why, why, why you’re working another job or just hanging out feeling unproductive and uninspired. However, trying to ride a continuous wave of awe and inspiration is difficult, if not impossible - and sort of inhuman (if you want to maintain any truth and authenticity with your emotions). There’s nothing wrong with cycles, of ups and downs, but it’s the inability to see the ups that may be a drag, that drags on and on...and on when you’re feeling down.

    When feeling depressed, I find it useful to break patterns. Not getting up in the morning - this is a pattern. Getting up, going to work at the same time each day week after week - this is a pattern. Patterns sometimes make people feel trapped in the cycle, and there are many ways to break that. Going out helps, new faces, sensations. Sometimes it helps to just toss yourself into a new environment, forcing yourself to act in a different way or communicate with different people. You don’t have to want to do this, you just go out and try it.

    Maybe the mind is working too hard, in that case it may be helpful to divert your concentration somehow. A continuous activity is needed, that makes your blood flow and keeps your mind active on something other than the recesses of your brain is ideal. Running could be a possibility (I hear though that you’re an athlete, and probably already know this), climbing to engage your mind is good, bungee jumping to reinstate your fright-or-flight mechanisms could be fun. Maybe you feel like you don’t really do anything in life. But, if you look back probably the things you have been doing are interesting and relevant to someone, you just haven’t heard them say it.

    I’m a firm believer in the notion that sometimes things just suck and there’s no reason to do anything. This gets boring after a while however, and eventually I just drag myself up and go out and do something. Build a pinhole camera, learn to code Python, buy a big magnifying glass and melt some Barbie heads. If all else fails, or maybe even before that, don’t be afraid to reinvent yourself, or some aspect of your life - always fine to have a new perspective on things.

  2. Maria4:09 PM

    Just came across this post and it really spoke to me. I've been feeling the same way lately. Thank you for sharing and I hope that you're back to feeling excited about life real soon.