November 28, 2011

Admitting is Always the First, the Scariest, and the Most Important Step

There are times when I question why I blog. I don't have a large following, though I am grateful for the audience I do have, and there isn't much feedback left when I do blog. I'm left feeling like what I have to say isn't interesting or doesn't matter much to anyone. Then I remember that this is my blog and my place to voice my opinions, likes, dislikes, etc and having a voice is better than letting it all build up inside of me.

Things in my life have been pretty glum as of late, more so in the last week and a half than ever. I've experienced a wide range of emotions and have come to some very scary, yet important realizations. The biggest realization of them all? I am depressed. Let me repeat that, I am depressed.

I think I've known this for a while now but I’ve been painfully embarrassed to admit it based on the stigma attached to the word (and the misuse and the overuse) but it slapped me in the face over the weekend when I was reading some literature my therapist lent to me. I was three chapters in when I started sobbing out of nowhere. I couldn't help myself and since then have had a few similar fits.

Admitting that you have a problem is extremely hard, even more so when it’s something you’re embarrassed about. As I mentioned, I am incredibly embarrassed to admit that I am depressed because it’s confusing and scary. There are times I can’t control my emotions and this has affected relationships and other important things in my life. I didn’t ask for this, or any of my problems. Moving forward I can only identify them so I can work hard to eliminate them.

I wish I knew why… you know, the specific reasons why I am depressed. Therapy will help me discover the reasons but aside from negative emotions tied to events from my past, I cannot for the life of me point out why. All I know right now is that I am tired of feeling this way, tired of not being excited about anything, tired of having zero motivation, and tired of being tired. I certainly have a long road ahead of me.

I want to take this opportunity to say thank you to anyone who has already been there for me through my battles. It isn’t easy dealing with myself in such a miserable state, I can only imagine how hard it is to see me so down. I also want to apologize, though I probably shouldn’t, for being so down. Like I said, it can’t be easy to see that or be around and I guess I’m just sorry for any complications that come with my battle and my breakdowns.

If you or anyone you know has gone through this, or is going through this now, I would like to ask for your support and any insight on what has helped you/them see the light again.

Thanks for reading, Xo

7 comments:

  1. I am a rather new follower of yours and haven't had much time to read through your writings yet ... but I hope that you find your happy place and bring that smile back to your face. If you ever need to talk or anything, I'm just an email away :)

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  2. You have my support, i was diagnosed with depression 2 months ago.. :( just wanted to leave **hugs**

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  3. Stay strong, and keep your head held high. Although I have never actually been diagnosed with depression, I have gone through some very hard & low times in the past 2 years, but it all turns around eventually. Talking to someone always helps, and there is no shame in that.

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  4. Depression is something that so many people are affected by. My brother was never diagnosed, but we all suspect it... Just know that, although I am a fairly new follower, I am sending my love. It's never easy to admit and deal with these things.

    Having gone through my own issues (anorexia) in the past, I know it gets better, but it takes lots of time and self reflection. Stay strong! And keep writing about it. We are all here for you! :)

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  5. Thank you guys :) It means a lot to have your support. This is why I love my blog and online friends/family. Y'all are the best. Xo

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  6. Anonymous5:35 AM

    Stay strong Laura and always remember you are loved and be patient.I love you so keep your head up and that great smile on you face.
    Love Mom

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  7. I just wanted to tell you how AWESOME it is that you are working through your stuff, and being brave and open about it. This shit is HARD. No way around it. Stay strong, and get the help you need, whatever that means for you. You're a gorgeous, talented woman, and you are going to have an amazing life.

    Hope to see you soon!

    xoxox

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