There are times when I question why I blog. I don't have a large following, though I am grateful for the audience I do have, and there isn't much feedback left when I do blog. I'm left feeling like what I have to say isn't interesting or doesn't matter much to anyone. Then I remember that this is my blog and my place to voice my opinions, likes, dislikes, etc and having a voice is better than letting it all build up inside of me.
Things in my life have been pretty glum as of late, more so in the last week and a half than ever. I've experienced a wide range of emotions and have come to some very scary, yet important realizations. The biggest realization of them all? I am depressed. Let me repeat that, I am depressed.
I think I've known this for a while now but I’ve been painfully embarrassed to admit it based on the stigma attached to the word (and the misuse and the overuse) but it slapped me in the face over the weekend when I was reading some literature my therapist lent to me. I was three chapters in when I started sobbing out of nowhere. I couldn't help myself and since then have had a few similar fits.
Admitting that you have a problem is extremely hard, even more so when it’s something you’re embarrassed about. As I mentioned, I am incredibly embarrassed to admit that I am depressed because it’s confusing and scary. There are times I can’t control my emotions and this has affected relationships and other important things in my life. I didn’t ask for this, or any of my problems. Moving forward I can only identify them so I can work hard to eliminate them.
I wish I knew why… you know, the specific reasons why I am depressed. Therapy will help me discover the reasons but aside from negative emotions tied to events from my past, I cannot for the life of me point out why. All I know right now is that I am tired of feeling this way, tired of not being excited about anything, tired of having zero motivation, and tired of being tired. I certainly have a long road ahead of me.
I want to take this opportunity to say thank you to anyone who has already been there for me through my battles. It isn’t easy dealing with myself in such a miserable state, I can only imagine how hard it is to see me so down. I also want to apologize, though I probably shouldn’t, for being so down. Like I said, it can’t be easy to see that or be around and I guess I’m just sorry for any complications that come with my battle and my breakdowns.
If you or anyone you know has gone through this, or is going through this now, I would like to ask for your support and any insight on what has helped you/them see the light again.
Thanks for reading, Xo