November 20, 2011

All I Truly Want for Christmas

Ever since moving to California I've had a really hard time making good girlfriends. I've met many backstabbing, two-faced girls whom I thought were my friends, clearly that went over well. I just can't seem to fit in anywhere. It's like high school all over again, but even then I had great friends.

I thought I was in good with a group the last few years and it has slowly dwindled away. It went from being invited everywhere, to here and there, to feeling like I had to invite myself, to silence really — and I don't know why. I would like to think that I'm a good friend. I'm always making contact, asking how 'you' are and if you need to talk I'm here but no one seems to take me seriously and I rarely get contacted.

I'm left feeling like something is wrong with me or that I did something wrong. Am I not fun enough? Am I not interesting enough? Is it because I don't drink anymore? Am I not as good of a friend as I thought? Do I smell [haha]? It may not even be me but as well all know, when things do pan out as planned, it's hard not to think it's you.

I see [on Facebook, of course] many, many other girls consistently hanging out with their close girlfriends, throwing parties for one another for special occasions or just because, and taking trips together. No one has ever thrown me a birthday party, there are no group vacations, and I had to basically beg for someone to throw A and I an engagement party [which was beautiful, thank you]. It's not that I couldn't have put one together myself, but I wanted to feel special for once and wanted someone else to think of ME [us in this case] and want to do something nice for me. I don't think that's too much to ask.

I do have some great friends, I can't deny that, but nevertheless when do I really ever see them? It's hard to remember the last time. There are no lunches, dinners, parties, movie nights, etc. I know I have been in a rut lately and maybe they don't want to deal with my issues but that shouldn't be a reason why I'm not invited or thought of.

I also have some truly amazing friends that I've met online and I am very grateful for that. I wish that it could be more than just an online thing but maybe that's what makes it so special. Love you, girls!

It feels like I've given up on believing that I'll have good relationships with girls like I had in the past, and that's extremely disheartening. I'm sure it'll change one day, I'm definitely hoping that day comes sooner than later.

Santa, all I want for Christmas is genuine, true friends.

2 comments:

  1. I definitely know how you feel. I feel like my best friends are all online and I barely know anyone offline. It sucks. I want to join classes and go places, hang out and have fun - but I don't, because I don't want to go by myself.

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  2. i know what you mean. things just keep changing. i miss you more than anything and i wish we were closer! :-/ I miss "the good old days"...

    if you hear of any kick ass design jobs out there please let me know. evan said he'd be willing to re-locate if i found something i was interested in!

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