I started this entry in a completely different direction. It’s apparent to me that there are deeper rooted issues that I need to get out.
I thought I was doing okay. The last few days, however, are showing me otherwise. My mood is awful. I’m bitter, sad, and utterly irritable. I feel so empty inside and some days I feel worthless.
At 25 years old I feel that I should be a lot further along than I am. I should have more to show at this stage in my life, but I don’t. I should feel more confident in myself and in my decision-making, but I don’t.
I’m always placing the blame on myself for decisions I made that were wrong or ones I should have made, when I’m not entirely the one to blame. More and more I’m realizing how afraid I’ve been to admit some of my biggest problems because I’m trying to protect someone who should have been protecting me all along. These negative feelings and all of the pain I feel are a result of my Dad’s poor decision-making. I live every single day dealing with the consequences of HIS actions.
His selfishness and his inability to properly conquer his own demons meant that I was never able to live a suitable childhood. Without ever realizing it, I was more of a parent to him than he was to me. The roles were reversed. I was always thinking of him, how my decisions would impact his life. I was always trying to protect him because I saw how miserable he was and didn’t want to make things worse for him.
He took my childhood from me – so now at 25 years old, “free” from his chains, I find myself feeling like a child. I'm afraid to make decisions on my own. I'm afraid to speak up, especially when it comes to certain males in my life. I'm afraid of asking questions. It’s embarrassing to admit but it’s the reality of it all. My innocence was stolen from me before I ever had a chance to touch it, and it's all HIS fault. Not mine.
The feelings I have toward the situation are very intense and I get through my days by telling myself that it’s okay, and I’ll be okay. Though the second part of that is true, I will be okay, what happened is NOT okay. I have to find a way to believe in that so I can learn to let go, because no matter how much I feel like I’ve moved forward, I always find myself back at this point. It’s a never-ending cycle I’m trying desperately to break.
I think that's all I can bare to speak about today, and I actually feel a bit better now that it's out. If you're new here and confused as to what I'm talking about you can read more here.